What is it and How to Help
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We all come into this world with the ability to regulate moods and it is a developed skill, not will power. Most ODD children present behaviors of defiance, stubborn, resisting to do most anything such as chores. Most parents use parenting skills with boundaries and structure that can handle most conflict situations.
Parents are really concerned about their behaviors of anger, defiance, temper. There are other problems to be concerned with:
Executive skills problem: ADHD, impulsive, inattentive, don’t look beyond present, and lacks the ability to learn from the past.
Mood disregulation: Can’t turn on and off, can go for days with explosive emotions and behaviors.
Parents often blame themselves or get blamed by others for being bad parents. They could have other children who behave normally but all the interventions used with them doesn’t work on a complex ODD child. Parents often admit they have no control over child for some time. Most of the situations, something has been going on for some time.
5 Core Cognitive Deficits:
The brain can be influenced by social influences. There are three parts of the brain.
Trying to build the quality of relationship.
3 Areas of Main Focus:
Force the concern. You may have a child that gets up and the parent notices the trash has not been taken out the night before and it is raining. You can force the child to do this but if you have a Complex ODD child, there will be a meltdown. Ask, Is the kids concerns taken
A Plan serious?--No Is the parents concerns being taken serious?--Yes Have
we done anything to prevent a meltdown?—No Is the brain stopping
disintegration?—No Have we worked on cognitive skills?—No Have
we done anything to have a secure base—No.
Is a better choice. Temporarily dropping the concern (about taking
out the trash). This is not a good time, etc. Is this good for the kid?
C Plan —Yes Is this good for the parent?—Probably not Is this preventing a
meltdown?—Yes Is this stopping the brain to disintegrate?—Yes Is
this doing anything to provide a secure base—Yes.
Ultimately wanting parent to get to this point. Use the EARIC method. E stands for Empathy. “Why do you believe you don’t want
B Plan to take out the trash?” It is basically telling them, “I got you” and
they are telling you why (labeling it). Use 5 goals method on each
part. A stands for assertion. “You are a part of this family and
everyone has a part in this family. We have to work together and
everyone doing their part. R stands for respect. Parents often
disrespectful to their children because they view them as being
disrespectful. No matter what, show respect. Most kids don’t listen to
what we say but the tone and actions of what we do. Refuse to talk
negatively to your kid and thinking things such as, “you are selfish,
stupid, spoiled, lazy, etc.”. Words can be very damaging and we loose
the secure base that complex ODD kids need. I stands for Invite
Problem Solving. Ask them to help with the problem, “how are we
going to take out the trash?” They may say, “I will take it out later
tonight”, you can respond “I’ve heard that before, what is another
option?” The kid may say, “You take out the trash”. You can state,
“Nice try but this is your job, not mine. Would you like switching one
of my jobs?” The parent may ask, “Aren’t you going out later today?”
If the kid says, “Yes”, then say, “Good, you can take it out then, I’ll go
ahead and pull the trash bag out and sit it by the door, Okay?” This is
C—Collaboration. This is the ultimate goal that will get these kids
who have difficulty in being able to label, problem solve, and slow
down to plan anything because of emotions and lack of security.
Try this and see if this will help you with your out of control child. One thing to remember is that we cannot help others before we help ourselves. If we cannot control our emotions and outbursts, how can we expect other to do the same. Kids follow by example.
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