"Connecting Pastors Who Are Hurting With People Who Care" "Connecting Pastors Who Are Hurting With People Who Care"  

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Jokes

 

 

Many pastors have discovered the art of engaging their members through humorous stories.  We have compiled a list of jokes that can be used in a sermon or other speaking engagements.   

 

 

Forgiveness

 

There was a man standing before a judge in California for shooting a Condor. This a protected bird and people who kill them must pay the consequences. The man pleaded with the judge by saying, “I just arrived in this state and I have never seen a bird that large before. I was hungry and could not help myself to shoot and eat it. The judge said, “I forgive you, just don’t let it happen again!” The man replied, ”Yes, sir!” The judge curious about the bird asked the man how did it taste? The man replied, “Oh, I guess somewhere between a Whooping Crane and a spotted owl.”

 

Rest In Peace

 

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

 

Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.

 

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”

 

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?”

 

Show & Tell

 

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.

 

The first child got in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David.”

 

The second child got in front of her class and said, “My name is Mary, I am Catholic and this is the Crucifix.”

 

The third child got up in front of his class and said, “My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole.”

 

Bragging Boys

 

Three boys in the schoolyard were bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he then calls it a poem, they give him $50.00.”

 

The second boy says, “That’s nothing, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.00.”

 

The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”

 

Atheist

 

An atheist complained to a Christian friend, “You Christians have special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays, It’s unfair discrimination.”

 

His friend replied, “Why don’t you celebrate April first?”

 

Giving to God

 

The Junior Sunday School Teacher asked her eight eager 10 year-olds if they would give a $1,000,000 to the missionaries.

 

“Yes!” they all screamed!

 

“Would you give $1,000?” Again, they shouted “YES!”

 

How about $100?” “Oh, yes we would!” they all agreed!

 

“Would you just give a dollar to the missionaries?” she asked.

 

The boys exclaimed, “Yes!” just as before, except for Johnny.

 

“Johnnie,” the teacher said as she noticed the boy clutching his pocket, “Why didn’t you say ‘yes’ this time?”

 

“Well,” the boy stammered, “I have a dollar!”

 

How to Get to Heaven

 

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and give all the money to the church, would I get into heaven?”

 

“No!” The children all answered.

 

“If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I then get into heaven?”

 

Again, the answer was “NO!”

 

“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into heaven? In the back of the room, a five year-old boy shouted, “You gotta be dead!”

 

You Never Hear in Church

 

Hey! It’s my turn to sit on the front pew!

 

I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

 

Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

 

I’ve decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

 

I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

 

Forget the denominational minimum salary: let’s pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.

 

I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

 

Since we’re all here, let’s start the worship service early!

 

Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible Seminar in the Bahamas.

 

Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!

 

The Dead Church

 

A new pastor in a small Midwestern town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first service.

 

The following Sunday, the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that because the church was dead, it is everyone’s duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice stated.

 

Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the “funeral.” In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered with flowers. After the pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.

 

Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a “dead church”, all the people lined up to look into the coffin. Each “mourner” peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.

 

In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror!

 

Obituary

 

Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.

 

Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person’s share of work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s list, “Let Someone Else do it.” Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results, “Someone Else can work with that group.”

 

It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in the church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.

 

Someone Else was a wonderful person, sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth be known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.

 

Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to the things Someone Else did?

 

When you are asked to help this year, remember—we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore.

 

Eulogy

 

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation.

 

They were all asked the same question: “When you are in the casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”

 

The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great man.”

 

The second guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

 

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, “I’d like to hear them say…LOOK! HE’S MOVING!!!”

 

Chocolate Chip Cookies

 

As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death’s agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

 

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.

 

There, spread upon the newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally

HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was I heaven? Or was it

one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left

this world a happy man?

 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withering hand quivering, made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of cookies was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

 

He reached for another cookie. What then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding a spatula she has just used to smack his hand.

 

“Stay out of those cookies!’ she said, “They’re for your funeral!”

 

 

Church Security—Special Bulletin

 

Intelligence has recently uncovered a new wave of church terrorism that has rapidly affected the Body of Christ. Intelligence has uncovered the names of the leaders behind this wave: Bin Gossiping, Bin Critical, Bin Absent, and Bin Sour. This fear is, that these leaders have well developed cell organizations in many churches across the nation. Intelligence also fears that there is ever more brothers in this wicked family just waiting for orders to invade.

 

Since our first report, we have been notified by a number of Church’s Board that they have identified four additional suspected terrorists working in different churches. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. The Associate Pastor advised us that it is very difficult to find anyone fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in most churches. However, he is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

 

The Army of the Lord

 

 

A friend in front of me was coming out of the church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always did to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

 

Then the pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

 

The friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

 

Pastor questioned him, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

 

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

 

Rotten Eggs

 

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for a tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100--$1.00 bills.

 

He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box for the entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her “why?”

 

The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he delivered a poor sermon, she placed an egg into the box.

 

The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked what about the $100.00 for.

 

She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbor for $1.00!

 

Inspired

 

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. “How do you know what to say?” asked the little boy.

 

“Why, God tells me.”

 

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

 

Worth It?

 

A man and his ten year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy’s insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop into the offering plate as it was passed.

 

As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained, “the service was too long,” he lamented. “The sermon was boring and the singing was off key!”

 

Finally the boy said, “Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime!”

 

Humor Inspired

 

A preacher, who shall we say was “humor inspired”, attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic speakers.

 

One such speaker, boldly approached the pulpit, gathered the entire crowd’s attention, and said, “the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wosn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his speech, which went quite well.

 

The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and used that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday morning, he tried to rehearse this joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

 

Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spend in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” The congregation inhaled half the air in the room! After standing there for almost 10 seconds in stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurred out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

 

Making Coffee

 

A chauvinistic husband and his godly wife were preparing to have breakfast when the wife asked, “why do I always have to make the coffee?”

 

The husband answered, “because you’re the wife, that’s your job.”

 

The wife replied, “well, the Bible doesn’t say it’s the woman’s job to make the coffee, it’s the man’s!”

 

Taken back by this, the husband demands to see where in the Bible it states that he should be the one to make the coffee.

 

“Well, here it is”, the godly woman replied, “Hebrews!”

 

Garden of Eden

 

After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.

 

As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, One of the boys asked, “What’s that?” Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”  

 

Kid Artist

 

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she go to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what her drawing was.

 

The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

 

The teacher paused and said, “But no one know what God looks like.”

 

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, “they will in a minute!”

 

 

Church Bulletin Bloopers

 

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

 

Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”

 

Don’t let worry kill you—let the church help.

 

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon from E.J. Stubbs.

 

The Pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

 

Thursday at 5 p.m., there will be a meeting of the little mother’s club. All ladies wishing to become “little mothers” will meet with the pastor in his study.

 

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

 

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

 

The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.. Please use the back door of the church.

 

The Rev, Merriweather spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

 

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m.. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.

 

Jean will be leaning a weight management series Wednesday nights. She uses the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

 

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church. Music will follow.

 

Thursday Night—Potluck Dinner. Pray and medication to follow.

 

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

 

This being Easter Sunday. We will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

 

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

 

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.

             

 

80 year-old woman getting married for 4th time

 

An 80 year-old woman was recently married to her 4th husband. A reporter questioned the occupation of her newly acquired husband. She replied that he owned a funeral home. Curious about the other husbands, the reporter also asked about their occupations. The woman paused for a while and stated that her first husband was a banker. The second one she was madly in love with and he was a circus master. The third one was a minister. Puzzled by her answers, he replied, “None of these people have anything in common! Why did you marry these?” She stated that she married number one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

 

 

Cranky Beautician Arguing with her Customer

 

A woman came into the beauty shope one day to get her hair fixed.  Her beautician was noted to always be complaining about most everything.  The customer stated that she was planning on leaving for Rome in a few days.

 

Beautician: Rome…Rome…Why that is one of the dirtiest cities you could ever go. How are you going to get there?

 

Customer: We are flying Continental Airlines.

 

Beautician: Continental…They are the worst airline! And they have the ugliest hostesses. Where are you staying?

 

Customer: We are staying in the Villa.

 

Beautician: Villa…Villa! Why that is so overrated and way too expensive. I wouldn’t stay there if I were you. What are you going to see?

 

Customer: We are planning on seeing the Pope.

 

Beautician: Why girl, you would be lucky to even see him from long distance. Don’t you know everyone wants to be around him. You won’t be able to get within a mile of him.

 

A month went by and the customer went back to the beautician, hoping to break her of her bad habits. The beautician asked her what she has been doing and the customer replied that she had just got back from Rome.

 

Beautician: Rome…I bet your flight was bad.

 

Customer: No, the flight was great. They had actually overbooked the flights and gave us first class seating and fed us steaks all the way to Rome. And our hostess was the most handsome man I had ever seen!

 

Beautician: Well. What about the Villa?

 

Customer: Funny you should ask. The Villa had just completed a $5 million restoration. They were also overbooked and we were forced to stay in the owner’s personal villa. Wow! The accommodations, the service, we had everything, we lived like kings!

 

Beautician: Well…what about the Pope?

 

Customer: We took the tour to the Vatican. One of the guards taped us on the shoulder and stated, “The Pope often entertains a few people now and then, would like to have a personal visit with the Pope?”

 

Beautician: I can’t believe that. What did the Pope say?

 

Customer: He took one look at me and asked, “That’s the worst hair-do I had ever seen! Who fixed your hair?”

 

 


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