A group of seminary students gathered in the chapel one day as the dean challenged them to NOT pray for a large church because of the stress, problems and worries that go with it. The next year one of the students who graduated returned to give his testimony. He said, “I did ask God for a big church; however, I also asked God for a pretty wife. My prayer was ALMOST answered. Instead of getting a big church and a pretty wife, I got a pretty church and a big wife!”
Thanks for Sending a Professional—Most unlikely person
As I was gathering my sermon, I couldn’t help thinking about a story of a little girl who was home alone and ill. She called her mother at work and told her, “Momma, I need you and I need you really bad.” This mother asked to get off work and frantically rushed down to the corner drug store to bring home some medicine. She notices it was beginning to rain, but she thought she would just “run in and out” to get the medicine for her sick little girl. When she came back to her car, she noticed something quite different. You guessed it…she had locked her keys in the car. She ran inside to get help from the employees but none of them seemed to know what to do and finally gave her a clothes hanger and said, “good luck!” She ran back to her can, frantically trying to get the door open. The more she tried, the harder it rained and suddenly, it came down what we call, “an old fashion gully-washer”. Out of desperation, she cried out “Lord, I need your help and I need you right now!” Suddenly, an old pickup pulled right next to her. She looked up and saw this man approaching her. He was dirty, had a dew rag on top of his head with scars and tattoos all over his body, one in which you wouldn’t want to come across, especially alone. Without thinking she embraced this man and said, “Sir, could you possibly help me. My daughter is sick at home, and I have to get this medicine to her as soon as possible and I have locked my keys in the car.” Within a minute or two, this man successfully unlocked her car. Out of joy, she grabbed this man, giving him a huge hug, and said, “you’re such a nice man.” The man pushed her away and said, “no, ma’am, I am not! You see, I have just escaped from prison, and I steal cars for a living!” Without any hesitation, this woman looked up toward heaven and said, “Thanks, God, for sending a professional!!!”
Wrong Email Sent
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult for the couple to coordinate their travel plans. So the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, while his wife planned to fly down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter of her email address, and sent the email without realizing his error.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting condolence messages from family and friends.
But after reading her very first email, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Just Arrived Today. I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. Since I’ve just arrived, I thought I would send you an email.
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!
Mother’s Day Joke
Two sons were pondering what to give their mother for Mother’s Day gift. This was the first Mother’s Day without their father so they wanted to give her the best gift possible. They have always competed against one another to bring the better gift to mother and this year was no different.
One son was living in Central America for the time and thought it would be nice to give mother a parrot as a companion for Mother’s Day. Since she is now all alone, her son thought this would be the perfect gift for her to talk to someone or something.
The 2nd son bought her flowers and a figurine to add to her collection. On Mother’s Day, the 2nd son brought over his gift. He asked, “How do you like my gift?” hoping to get her approval his gift was the best one. She loved it. The 2nd son asked if she received the gift from her 1st son. She said, “Yes”. He asked how she liked it. She said, “It was okay”.
After visiting with mother for awhile, the 2nd son noticed he did not see the parrot anywhere. Perhaps thinking it was in another room, he asked mother, “how did you like the parrot”? She again said, “It was okay”. Just okay said the 2nd son. Her mother said, “It was okay but to tell the truth, it kind of tasted like chicken”!
Mommy Ate It
For weeks a six-year-old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mummy ate it!”
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices
that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks: “Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?”
Her mother replied: “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked: “Mumma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”
9 Things A Mother Would Never Say
“Mom, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy. “Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his mother replied. After dinner the mother inquired, “Now, baby, what did you want to ask me?” “Oh, nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
Father with a Newborn Baby
One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So, the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.
Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn’t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the baby to the doctor.
After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper is indeed full.
"Here’s the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."
The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
Who Wants to be a Millionaire Show--Decisions
One day they had a contestant who made it all the way to the last question. Her name was Debra. Debra,
has made it to the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) the condor
B) the buzzard
C) the cuckoo
D) the vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline. The woman hoped she would not have to use it because ... Her friend was a really good friend but she lacked some common sense at times and she always did not good decisions.
But Debra had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. Her friend said without any hesitation: "That's easy. The answer is “C: the cuckoo." Did I mention that her friend was blonde?
Debra had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Merideth any
answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was the way she was, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such
confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Merideth. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?"
Debra crossed her fingers again and said, "Yes, that is my final answer." Merideth suddenly said, "That answer is ........................ Absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire! Balloons flying, confetti coming down and Debra jumping up and down!
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who h ad helped her win the million dollars. "Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?" "Oh, come on," said the blonde...
"Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"
A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. Then the dog shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, whipping and punching him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the Guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."
Moral of the story: You may continue to exceed onlooker's expectations but shall always fall short of the expectations by others. It's dog's life after all.
There was a man standing before a judge in California for shooting a Condor. This a protected bird and people who kill them must pay the consequences. The man pleaded with the judge by saying, “I just arrived in this state and I have never seen a bird that large before. I was hungry and could not help myself to shoot and eat it. The judge said, “I forgive you, just don’t let it happen again!” The man replied, ”Yes, sir!” The judge curious about the bird asked the man how did it taste? The man replied, “Oh, I guess somewhere between a Whooping Crane and a spotted owl.”
The preacher’s Sunday sermon was Forgive Your Enemies. Toward the end of the service, He asked his congregation, “how many of you have forgiven their enemies”?
About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. As it was past lunchtime, this time about 80 percent held up their hands. He then repeated his question again. All responded, except one small elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones?” inquired the preacher, Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?
“I don’t have any.” she replied. smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, That is very unusual. How old are you?” “Ninety-three,” she replied.
“Oh Mrs. Jones, what a blessing and a lesson to us all you are. Would you please come down in front of this congregation and tell us all how a person can live ninety-three years and not have an enemy in the world.”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said “I outlived the old hags.”
Rest In Peace
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside him and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”
Good morning, Pastor,” replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. “Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.
“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the men and women who have died in the service.”
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he finally managed to ask, “Which one, the 9:00 or 10:30 service?”
The keynote speaker was in such a hurry to get to the venue that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that had forgotten his dentures.
Turning to the man next to him, he whispered, “I forgot my teeth!”
The man said, “No problem.” With that he reached into his briefcase and pulled out a pair of dentures. “Try these,” he said. The speaker tried them. “Too loose,” he said.
The man dug around in his briefcase again. “Here, try these.”
The speaker tried them and responded. “Too tight.”
The man didn’t seem taken aback at all. He dug around in his briefcase again. “Here. I have this pair. Give them a try.”
The speaker smiled. “They fit perfectly.” He ate his meal and gave his speech without any further troubles.
After the event concluded, the speaker went over to thank his benefactor and return the spare parts.
“I want to thank you for coming to my rescue. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.”
“Oh, I’m not a dentist,” the man replied. “I’m the local funeral director.”
The Preacher and his Horse
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse to go when he said, “Praise the Lord,” and to stop when he said, “Amen.” The preacher mounted the horse, said “Praise the Lord,” and went for a ride in the nearby mountains.
When he wanted to stop for lunch by a mountain stream, he said, “Amen.”
He took off again, saying “Praise the Lord.”
The horse started heading toward the edge of a cliff on a narrow mountain trail. The preacher got excited and said, “Whoa!” Then he remembered and said, “Amen,” and the horse stopped just short of the edge. The preacher was so relieved that he looked up to heaven and said, “Praise the Lord!”
Show & Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment of bringing something to represent their religion.
The first child got in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is the Star of David.”
The second child got in front of her class and said, “My name is Mary, I am Catholic and this is the Crucifix.”
The third child got up in front of his class and said, “My name is Tommy and I am Baptist and this is a casserole.”
Pastor's Wives Sewing
Two Pastors wives were visiting and sewing their husband’s
pants. One wife said: My husband is just beside himself, he does not know what to do anymore and he is so tired and depressed he said he is ready to just give up and resign.
The other wife said: I am sorry to hear that because my husband has never been happier. Our membership is growing and we are out of our financial burden, we have such a large and loving congregation. Life could not be any better than it is right now.
One woman was mending the seat of her husband’s pants, the other was mending the knees.
Two Cowboys Bragging
There were two cowboys trying to out-brag each other regarding how big their property is. One cowboy puffed out his chest and said, "I guess I have about a thousands acres of land. How big is your spread?"
The other cowby stated, "I rightly don't know. I get up in my pickup in the morning and travel til evening and I am sttill on my property."
The first cowbys stated, "Yelp, I once had a pickup like that!"
Three boys in the schoolyard were bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he then calls it a poem, they give him $50.00.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing, My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.00.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Poor Sick Little Boy
Marty, a little boy, was in church one Sunday with his mother Doris, when he started feeling sick. 'Mummy,' he inquired, 'can we leave now?'
'No,' his mother replied, 'the service isn't over yet.'
'Well, I think I'm about to throw up.' Marty announced.
'Then go out of the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush.' said Doris.
After about sixty seconds, Marty returned to his pew, alongside his mother.
'Did you throw up?' Marty's Mum asked quietly.
'Yes,' Marty answered, embarrassed.
'How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?' Doris demanded.
'I didn't have to go out of the church, Mummy. They have a box next to the front door that says, "For the Sick" '.
A Backyard Neighbor Funeral
Mr. Green peered over his fence and noticed that the neighbor’s little boy was in his backyard filling in a hole. Curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr. Green asked, “What are you doing, Jimmy?”
Tearfully, little Jimmy replied, “My goldfish died, and I’ve just buried him.”
“That’s an awfully large hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Mr. Green said.
Patting down the last bit of earth, little Joey replied, “That’s because he’s in your cat!”
God is Left-Handed
Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother commented, 'Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?'
'Yes, 'replied Philip, 'God did it and he did it left handed.'
This confused his grandmother so she asked him, 'What makes you say God did this with his left hand?' 'Well, 'said Philip, 'we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand.'
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Annie stayed home from church with her mother. When the rest of the family returned home, they were carrying palm fronds. Annie asked them what they were for.
“People held them over Jesus’ head as he rode by on a colt,” her father explained.
“Wouldn’t you know it,” Annie fussed, “the one Sunday I’m sick and Jesus shows up and offers pony rides!”
The pastor’s family was invited Easter dinner at the Wilson home. Mrs. Wilson was widely known for her amazing contributions to church potlucks. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. As usual, it was a feast for the eyes, the nose, and the palate.
When the pastor’s youngest son, Peter, received his plate he started eating straight away.
‘Peter, wait until we say grace,’ insisted his embarrassed father.
‘I don’t have to,’ the five year old replied.
‘Of course you do, Peter,’ his mother insisted rather forcefully. ‘We always say a prayer before eating at our house.’
‘That’s at our house,’ Peter explained, ‘but this is Mrs. Wilson’s house, and she knows how to cook.’
Easter Question: What do you get when you cross the Easter Bunny with an over-stressed pastor during Holy Week?
Answer: An Easter Basket Case
An atheist complained to a Christian friend, “You Christians have special holidays, such as Christmas and Easter. Jews celebrate their national holidays, such as Passover and Yom Kippur. But we atheists have no recognized national holidays, It’s unfair discrimination.”
His friend replied, “Why don’t you celebrate April first?”
80 year-old woman getting married for 4th time
An 80 year-old woman was recently married to her 4th husband. A reporter questioned the occupation of her newly acquired husband. She replied that he owned a funeral home. Curious about the other husbands, the reporter also asked about their occupations.
The woman paused for a while and stated that her first husband was a banker.
The second one she was madly in love with and he was a circus master.
The third one was a minister. Puzzled by her answers, he replied, “None of these people have anything in common!
Why did you marry these?” She stated that she married number one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.
Giving to God
The Junior Sunday School Teacher asked her eight eager 10 year-olds if they would give a $1,000,000 to the missionaries.
“Yes!” they all screamed!
“Would you give $1,000?” Again, they shouted “YES!”
How about $100?” “Oh, yes we would!” they all agreed!
“Would you just give a dollar to the missionaries?” she asked.
The boys exclaimed, “Yes!” just as before, except for Johnny.
“Johnnie,” the teacher said as she noticed the boy clutching his pocket, “Why didn’t you say ‘yes’ this time?”
“Well,” the boy stammered, “I have a dollar!”
Lesson on Honesty
The Sunday school teacher was just finishing a lesson on honesty. “Do you know where children go if they don’t put their money in the collection plate?” the teacher asked.
“Yes ma’am,” a boy blurted out. “They go to the movies.”
Going to Church Instead of Fishing
A boy came late to Sunday School late. Knowing he was usually very prompt, his teacher asked, “Johnny, is there anything wrong?”
“No, ma’am, not really,” he said.”I was going to go fishing, but my daddy told me that I needed to get on up and go to church.”
The teacher was very impressed and asked Johnny if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.
“Yes ma’am, he did,” Johnny said. “My daddy said he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”
Fishing Trip with a Visitor
One day a Pastor and a Brother from the church took a Visitor fishing on boat.
Once in the Middle of the lake, the Pastor said" I seem to have forgotten my fishing pole, be right back" and to the visitors amazement stepped out of the boat and walked on top of the water towards the shore.
When he had returned, the Brother said, "I need to use the restroom, be right back"
Again the visitor watched in amazement. Once the brother returned, not wanting to be outdone, the visitor said " I need to use the restroom too"
As soon as he stepped out of the boat, he sank.
The Pastor nudged the Brother and said "We should have told him where the rocks were?"
Your Hut in Heaven
A man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They passed stately homes and beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a rundown cabin.
The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in.
St. Peter replied, “I did the best with the money you sent us.”
How to Get to Heaven
A teacher asked the children in her Sunday School class, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and give all the money to the church, would I get into heaven?”
“No!” The children all answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I then get into heaven?”
Again, the answer was “NO!”
“Well,” she continued, “then how can I get into heaven? In the back of the room, a five year-old boy shouted, “You gotta be dead!”
Golfing with Moses, Jesus, and Old Man
One day in Heaven, Moses and Jesus was playing a round of golf when an old man asked if he could join them. They said, “Sure”. Moses hit first and he hit a duck-hook that went immediately towards the water. When the ball got close to the water, the waters parted on dry land and rolled up onto the green.
Jesus was next to hit and He also hit His ball towards the water but instead of parting, the ball hovered over the water and onto the green some 6 feet from the hole.
The old man asked himself, “How am I ever going to top those two guys?” He took a swing and he severely sliced the ball to the right, hit a tree, and bounced along the shore next to the water. Before the ball came to a stop, a squirrel picked up the ball and starting running away when an eagle swooped down to pick up the squirrel making him drop the ball onto the green which proceeded into the hole for a hole in one!
Jesus came over to the old man, looked at him for a moment and said, “Good shot Dad!”
Pray for My Hearing
The stranger approached the pastor after service and said, “I’d like you to pray for my hearing.”
The pastor placed his hands on the man’s ears and said a passionate, earnest prayer.
“How’s your hearing now?” the pastor asked.
Looking surprised, the man said, “Well, it’s not until tomorrow.” (Court Hearing)
Once upon a time, there was kindergarten teacher in Texas, who was helping one of her students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help, and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren't my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn't you say so?”
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, “They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.”
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry, but she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.”
One day, a wealthy family man took his son on a trip to the country so he could have his son see how poor country people were. They stayed one day and one night at the farm of a very humble farm family.
When they got back home the father asked the son, "What did you think of the trip"?
The son replied, "Very nice Dad." Dad said, "Did you notice how poor they were?" "Yes". "So, what did you learn from this trip?"
"I’ve learned that we have one dog in the house, and they had four. We have a fountain and imported lamps in our garden, they have a stream with no end and the stars in the sky. Our garden goes to the edge of our property, they have the entire horizon as their back yard."
At the end of the son’s reply the father was speechless.
Then his son said, "Thank you Dad, for showing me how poor we really are."
A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap, and toting a ball and bat. "I’m the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down, he swung again and missed. "Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I’m the greatest hitter in the world!"
Again, he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!"
Honesty—Best to be Honest
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.’
The driver says, ‘Oh my, officer I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know this car doesn’t have cruise control!
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep quiet for once??!!’
The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man looks at his wife again and says through clenched teeth, ‘Woman, can’t you keep quiet?!!!!!!’
The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’
The driver says, ‘Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE BE QUIET!!!!!’
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am?’ and she said, ‘Only when he’s been drinking’.
Something You Never Hear in Church
Hey! It’s my turn to sit on the front pew!
I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.
Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
I’ve decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
Forget the denominational minimum salary: let’s pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.
I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!
Since we’re all here, let’s start the worship service early!
Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible Seminar in the Bahamas.
Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.
"Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!" The pastor was thrilled. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before.
Tell me why." "Well - it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!"
A Pastor Saying Farewell
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.
The Dead Church
A new pastor in a small Midwestern town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first service.
The following Sunday, the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that because the church was dead, it is everyone’s duty to give it a decent Christian burial. The funeral would be held the following Sunday afternoon, the notice stated.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the “funeral.” In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered with flowers. After the pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a “dead church”, all the people lined up to look into the coffin. Each “mourner” peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look.
In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror!
Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than a normal person’s share of work. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or meeting to attend, one name was on everyone’s list, “Let Someone Else do it.” Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results, “Someone Else can work with that group.”
It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in the church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person, sometimes appearing superhuman. Were the truth be known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to the things Someone Else did?
When you are asked to help this year, remember—we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore.
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They were all asked the same question: “When you are in the casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy immediately responds, “I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy thinks a minute and replies, “I’d like to hear them say…LOOK! HE’S MOVING!!!”
Funeral for a Dog
Farmer Jones lived in the countryside alone except for his dog.
His pet died and Farmer Jones went to his pastor saying, “Pastor, my dog is dead. Could you possibly do a service for this poor creature?”
The pastor told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Farmer Jones said, “I’ll go right away. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough for a good service?
The pastor replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Pentecostal!”
Flowers Wrongly Sent
A businessman ordered flowers to be sent to the opening of his friend’s new branch office. When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. “Rest In Peace.” He was so outraged that he stopped at the florist to complain.
“It could be worse,” the florist said, “Just think: Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with the inscription. ‘Congratulations on Your New Location!’ ”
The pastor’s college-age daughter came running to her in tears. “Mom, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”
“I did? What did I tell you?” said her mother.
“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”
“That’s one of the largest and best banks in the state,” she said. “There must be some mistake.”
“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”
Chocolate Chip Cookies
As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death’s agony was suddenly pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
There, spread upon the newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Was I heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his
knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withering hand quivering, made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made
the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of cookies was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
He reached for another cookie. What then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil? He looked to see his wife, still holding a spatula she has just used to smack his hand.
“Stay out of those cookies!’ she said, “They’re for your funeral!”
Church Security—Special Bulletin
Intelligence has recently uncovered a new wave of church terrorism that has rapidly affected the Body of Christ. Intelligence has uncovered the names of the leaders behind this wave: Bin Gossiping, Bin Critical, Bin Absent, and Bin Sour. This fear is, that these leaders have well developed cell organizations in many churches across the nation. Intelligence also fears that there is ever more brothers in this wicked family just waiting for orders to invade.
Since our first report, we have been notified by a number of Church’s Board that they have identified four additional suspected terrorists working in different churches. Three of the four have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.
The Associate Pastor advised us that it is very difficult to find anyone fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, in most churches. However, he is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
The Old Bore
A tired pastor was at home resting, and through the window
he saw a woman approaching his door. She was one of those too-talkative people, and he was not anxious to talk with her. He said to his wife, "I'll just duck upstairs and wait until she goes
An hour passed, then he tiptoed to the stair landing and listened ... not a sound. He was very pleased, so he started down calling loudly to his wife, "Well, My Dear, did you get rid of that old bore at last?"
The next moment he heard the voice of the same woman caller, and she couldn't possibly have missed hearing him. Two steps down, he saw them both staring up at him. It seemed truly a crisis moment.
The quick-thinking pastor's wife answered, "Yes, Dear, she went away over an hour ago. But Mrs. Jones has come to call in the meantime, and I'm sure you'll be glad to greet her."
The Army of the Lord
A friend in front of me was coming out of the church one day, and the preacher was
standing at the door as he always did to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
Then the pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
The friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned him, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
An elderly pastor was searching his closet for a tie before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing 3 eggs and 100--$1.00 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box for the entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her “why?”
The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he delivered a poor sermon, she placed an egg into the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked what about the $100.00 for.
She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbor for $1.00!
God Grant A Wish
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer
when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a
bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific; the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. “How do you know what to say?” asked the little boy.
“Why, God tells me.”
“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”
A man and his ten year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy’s insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop into the offering plate as it was passed.
As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained, “the service was too long,” he lamented. “The sermon was boring and the singing was off key!”
Finally the boy said, “Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime!”
Price of A Sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, Reverend Barnard announces to his congregation, 'My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons......
A $100 sermon that lasts five minutes
A $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes
And a $20 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver.'
A preacher, who shall we say was “humor inspired”, attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well-known and dynamic speakers.
One such speaker, boldly approached the pulpit, gathered the entire crowd’s attention, and said, “the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wosn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his speech, which went quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and used that joke in his sermon. As he approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday morning, he tried to rehearse this joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone, he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spend in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” The congregation inhaled half the air in the room! After standing there for almost 10 seconds in stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurred out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”
A chauvinistic husband and his godly wife were preparing to have breakfast when the wife asked, “why do I always have to make the coffee?”
The husband answered, “because you’re the wife, that’s your job.”
The wife replied, “well, the Bible doesn’t say it’s the woman’s job to make the coffee, it’s the man’s!”
Taken back by this, the husband demands to see where in the Bible it states that he should be the one to make the coffee.
“Well, here it is”, the godly woman replied, “Hebrews!”
Garden of Eden
After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, One of the boys asked, “What’s that?”
Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”
Good and Evil
A native-American elder once described his own inner struggles like this: “Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is mean and evil. The other dog is good. The mean dog fights the good dog all the time.” After being asked which dog wins he thought for a moment and replied, “The one I feed the most.”
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she go to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what her drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one know what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the little girl replied, “they will in a minute!”
Unfortunately many homes, yes even so-called Christian
homes, are like the one in which the little girl pointed to the Bible on the mantle that was never opened, and said to her mother, "Whose book is that?"
Her mother quite startled by her daughters question replied, "Why honey, don't you know? That is God's book!"
The child demonstrating that she had a very practical turn to her mind said, "Don't you think that we had better give it back to him? No one around here ever reads it."
Pastors Speaking About Their Revivals
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were
discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."
The Pentecostal pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"
Church Bulletin Bloopers
The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
Don’t let worry kill you—let the church help.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon from E.J. Stubbs.
The Pastor would appreciate if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Thursday at 5 p.m., there will be a meeting of the little mother’s club. All ladies wishing to become “little mothers” will meet with the pastor in his study.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.. Please use the back door of the church.
The Rev. Brown spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance. Jean will be leaning a weight management series
Wednesday nights. She uses the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church. Music will follow.
Thursday Night—Potluck Dinner. Pray and medication to follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
This being Easter Sunday. We will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
Letters to the Pastor
Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I
know my brother won't be there. Stephen. Age 8, Chicago
Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold. Age 8, Nashville.
Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete. Age 9, Phoenix
Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11
Dear Pastor, I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance? Love, Patty. Age 10, New Haven
Dear Pastor, My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold. Yours truly, Annette. Age 9, Albany
Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen. Age 9. Tacoma
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor. Age 12, Sarasota
Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie. Age 10, New York City
Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven someday but later than sooner. Love, Ellen. Age 9, Athens
Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher. Thank you. Alexander. Age 10, Raleigh
Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena
Dear Pastor, Who does God pray to? Is there a God for God? Sincerely, Christopher. Age 9, Titusville
Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished. Ralph, Age 11, Akron
Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie. Age 9, Lewiston
Wisdom from Children
Patrick, age 10, said, “Never trust a dog to watch your food.”
Michael, 14, said, “When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don’t answer him.”
Michael said, “Never tell your mom her diet’s not working.”
Susie, age 9, said, “Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.”
Naomi, 15 said, “If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.”
Lauren, age 9 said, “Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.”
Joel, 10 years old, said, “Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat.”
Eileen, age 8 said, “Never try to baptize a cat.”
Cranky Beautician Arguing with her Customer
A woman came into the beauty shop one day to get her hair fixed. Her beautician was noted to always be complaining about most everything. The customer stated that she was planning on leaving for Rome in a few days.
Beautician: Rome…Rome…Why that is one of the dirtiest cities you could ever go. How are you going to get there?
Customer: We are flying Continental Airlines.
Beautician: Continental…They are the worst airline! And they have the ugliest hostesses. Where are you staying?
Customer: We are staying in the Villa.
Beautician: Villa…Villa! Why that is so overrated and way too expensive. I wouldn’t stay there if I were you. What are you going to see?
Customer: We are planning on seeing the Pope.
Beautician: Why girl, you would be lucky to even see him from long distance. Don’t you know everyone wants to be around him. You won’t be able to get within a mile of him.
A month went by and the customer went back to the beautician, hoping to break her of her bad habits. The beautician asked her what she has been doing and the customer replied that she had just got back from Rome.
Beautician: Rome…I bet your flight was bad.
Customer: No, the flight was great. They had actually overbooked the flights and gave us first class seating and fed us steaks all the way to Rome. And our hostess was the most handsome man I had ever seen!
Beautician: Well. What about the Villa?
Customer: Funny you should ask. The Villa had just completed a $5 million restoration. They were also overbooked and we were forced to stay in the owner’s personal villa. Wow! The accommodations, the service, we had everything, we lived like kings!
Beautician: Well…what about the Pope?
Customer: We took the tour to the Vatican. One of the guards taped us on the shoulder and stated, “The Pope often entertains a few people now and then, would like to have a personal visit with the Pope?”
Beautician: I can’t believe that. What did the Pope say?
Customer: He took one look at me and asked, “That’s the worst hair-do I had ever seen! Who fixed your hair?”
15 Things to Break the Monotony
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you do to something, ask if they want fries with that order?
4. Put your garbage on your desk and label it "in".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. Finish all sentences with "in according with prophecy".
7. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
8. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
9. Put a mosquito netting around your desk or work area. Play jungle sound music all day.
10. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
11. When money comes out of the ATM, scream, "I won!", "I won!" "3rd time this week!!!"
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!"
13. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to let one of you go."
14. Keep sending silly emails to others in your address book even if they tell you to stop sending stuff like this.
15. Every morning, go out of your office or home and yell, "I choose to be crazt", "I choose to be crazy", I choose to be crazy!"
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